"No Christmas Gifts For Children?"

The Christmas holiday is a festive time for family and friends. ... It can be fraught with turmoil, too. A new revised view that seems to be gaining acceptance into this historic holiday tradition is being called, the 'no gifts for children' segment. This disturbing trend begs us to ponder the question, “What is really going on and why?”

The significance of Christmas can never be overstated. It is an enduring, magical time of reflection, connection, a time to reaffirm ties with family, friends, and hopefully, the community at large. Announcing a change in one of its basic tenets to children - to address behaviour gone wild - is an affront to the dignity of this vulnerable and powerless group of citizens. ... As a mom to 3 sons, all born prematurely, within a 4 year period, I had my hands full, with intensive daily therapy for all. Exhaustion ruled the day, back then, a characteristic of a life well-lived. I made the decision, from the start, not to interfere, too much, in the 'workings' of our formidable 'adults-in-training'. Well supervised structured environments provided the venue for field study of their behaviour. ... The word 'no' was rarely used. It was simply too easy to utter its crushing meaning to little children. Wielding its awesome ruinous power, indiscriminately, to them, eventually made 'no' a meaningless word. Authority would be lost - when it would matter the most - at a later stage of development.

Children learn self discipline, self-control, patience, on their own terms, daily, in incremental steps, in a form of 'real life simulator' while under our care. There were certain 'rules of etiquette' for our boys, for all the environments in which they participated.  They knew and understood why. We controlled the environments. They controlled the behaviours within these living spaces. With a husband who worked long hours - like me - and who travelled much of the time, it was my responsibility to bring it all to a close, each and every day. 

Our first country winter - 24 years ago - was a brutal awakening to the power of mother nature and the true nature of children. Our first winter there, I paid $35.00 to have our long country driveway plowed. (Within minutes, the deed was done.) Less than a week later, however, mother-nature's wrath visited us, again, burying our driveway under yet another thick blanket of fluffy snow. The thought of paying out another $35.00 for plowing weighed heavily on my mind. (This routine could go on all winter long. Oh, My.) In an instant, three little helpers, aged 10,9,7 were recruited to do the job of the snow plow. Four miniature - me included- 'snow plows' lined up in a row and began the task, working in tandem, of moving snow across the 'roadway'. Their dad was expected soon after a very long day business week. He would be exhausted. True to their fun-loving spirit of giving and doing, the boys and I finished 'plowing' just as dad drove in - one hour later. “Had the plow been here, again, their dad wondered?” The cost of plowing had been rendered mute. The money was 'spent' but kept within our family's coffers as each child received $12.00 for their co-operative efforts. The money was put into their bank accounts for their future investment use. Their worth had been tangibly appreciated. Their smiles told a real life story.

As parents, we have the power to influence our children in many ways. How we use this power is the difference between tyranny and justice. Christmas is a special time for children. We taint its significance with our ambushing tactics when we decide to tamper with its magical, purposeful properties, inherent in this special holiday tradition. Do we cancel our children's birthdays, on a whim, or accepted dinner invitations with friends because of misbehaviour? (We involve others when we do this.) We do a great disservice to ourselves and our children's self-worth when we unexpectedly change the 'rules' of Christmas by interjecting our own personal spin on a revered holiday that is already, for some, a stressful time. Penalties for misconduct should not be stored up like so many points in a 'rewards' program. Christmas used as a leveraging tool debases the holiday and can tarnish this special familial relationship. An element of trust exists in all parent-child relationships. Could this special connection now be at risk?

Christmas is about many things, not a time of punishment for past misdeeds. It is an all encompassing holiday that spans more than one day and involves other people, too, in the circle of life. It is an anticipated, significant, sensory experience like no other, a time of cementing the bonds of trust with our children through this shared human experience of music, song, food, family traditions and religious customs. Restricting its enjoyment can be a blow to the trust built with our children. Gifts are a small part of the Christmas tradition. But to make them the centre of attention is short-sighted. 

Our boys did not have a 'wish list'. Their thoughts, ideas and preferences were year round considerations. What mattered most to them, daily, were their interactions with each other and our two retrievers, one of which had been abandoned, as a puppy, in a Toronto park. ... One son's favourite weekly task was washing the kitchen floor, something requiring effort and commitment. Each boy had a part to play and each played it well. It was simply their contribution to the functioning of the household. There was a time for being silly and out-of-control. They knew and understood the parameters.

Parents set the stage. Paying attention to our children's needs throughout the year helps us gain greater insights into their likes, dislikes and character, too. It is our mandate. ... It is what we do as parents. Our actions should be predictable. ... We develop a clear vision of the future by paying attention to the present, not the presents! The Christmas season, though a time of great splendor, is also a time to reinforce the act of giving to others, doing for others, and caring for those unable to do so for themselves. Let us not lose sight of that!

'Mall Cop', Revisited

In his black regalia, now covered in a red winter coat, a cape-like uniform from the castle guard's dressing room, 'Mall Cop', our 17 pound terrier, watches over the yard. Mr. Wiggles, his younger but more imposing cousin, watches, too. It's wintertime now. Will they behave? Too soon to tell. They begin their dance, ever so ruefully, mindful of each other's special qualities. Both are learning.

It has been 20 months since the babies, 'Mr. Wiggles', the yellow retriever, now 78 pounds and 'Ella', the 19 pound mini-schnauser, at 20 pounds, were born. They have a way to go before matching wits with the pros: Mall cop at 4 years of age and 'Sally', our Labrador retriever, at 6. ...The two younger pups are now 'teens', having passed their one-year birthdays, in March. Stoicism is a characteristic they all seem to share, I am pleased to say. How else could I leave all four furry creatures, descendants of wolves, with their 16 dagger-like feet, in a cage-free enclosure called a room, for a few hours then return to a household of even tempered pups, all still talking to one another.

When they meet at doggie day care, the action begins. Routines have been established, by now. ... My job is to simply provide a caring, enriched environment for all, with language lessons the foundation of all of their learning experiences. Twenty months ago, I worried. Now, I do not. 'Just plug us in,” they seem to say, “We will obey, most of the time”. “You will not do that, little man”. I say to Mr. Wiggles as he attempts to tango with his miniature cousin, locked on to her pink sequinned collar, without her permission. Intervention is swift. Mr. Wiggles does not get it, just now. Time outs await and a firm, 'Let's go inside”. 'Ella waits for the unleashing. It wasn't what she was expecting from her 'twin'. “I'm good”, she seems to say. “Yes you are, my little one.” She's a gem, comes when called and waits patiently for her turn at anything. 

Mr. Wiggles, our yellow retriever, does not, generally, follow protocol as he looks at me with an innocence that seems to say, “I'm sorry but I am trying real hard to behave, really I am”. When Mr. Wiggles arrives on the scene, no one knows for sure what will happen. He can be so playful, lovable and seeming in a world all his own, with his large silicone soother, a lattice type basketball, attached to his mouth. ... He loves it so. But he adores his cousins, too.

Little Ella, our mini-schnauzer, is a party animal in the truest sense of the word, ready to play with Sally, her 77- pound Labrador retriever cousin, without hesitation. It seems girl time matters, now, more than ever. They are in constant motion, to a tune only they hear. Play-time is a serious departure for Ella, now. The little one's outlook has changed, not wanting to wait until brother playtime - those time-dated play sessions of yore- begin. Mall Cop, the Terrier, is not that interested in romping, anymore, especially in colder weather, just sometimes and only at his discretion. His focus is more on his male cousin, the awkward, towering, rambling young'un, whose attentions are rarely welcome by the group. When they chase Mr. Wiggles he just seems to laugh at them then runs at a gallop, in his awkward, wayward style.

Mall cop just wants to protect his idyllic life as a professor, a learned man, a man of few words. ... In winter, he prefers to watch from inside the house, where warm temp. reside and restful nap is only a blink away. ... His administering of comfort aid in the form of licks to the face of his nemesis, Mr. Wiggles, shows he cares but in a different way. It's an opportunity to connect personally with this wayward cousin. Outside, the girls wait for no one. They are in a world all their own. They stare at each other with a gaze that says “I'm game if you are, cuz.“ You know, We don't need them for a good time”. Then it happens:, a comical dance routine of the highest caliber as both females run at top speed, in reckless abandon, around and around. Then it all stops, momentarily, while the girls rethink their next move. This unique interplay is a recent phenomenon.  

Ella, the teen, sidles over to mature independent Sally with a mischievous look that begs to inquire, “Are you ready for more, cuz?” This could get rough”? And away they go, like two friends who have not seen each other in a long time. They chase each other some more, then stop to inquire, “Shall we continue?"  The boys watch in wonder. “How'd they do all that?” From inside the house we all watch, thinking, this is the real deal, two girlfriends running amok with such skill and precision, an intensive Olympic workout, like no other. Their play seems kinder, more relaxed and enjoyable, too. There is no posturing for position, just camaraderie. Each has found a playmate that is her 'equal', her kindred spirit. 

We marvel at the unpretentious nature of the girls' un-choreographed performance dance. And yet they have known each other for just over a year.  Wonders never cease with animals. As the boys watch from inside, Mall cop remarks to Mr. Wiggles, as he licks the younger one's eyes: ”Listen squirt, size has nothing to do with having a fun time with the girls. You need to grow up, soon. It's all about maturity, kid. I have it. You don't. No time like the present. Now, let's go out and see what you've learned”.