Inviting the Bully to Tea

During our children’s early years, bullying seemed like an occupational hazard: a serious problem for the youngest children in the schoolyard.... Being young, small and inexperienced went a long way to assisting the bully in his game of terror........Could a tea party, scheduled monthly, bi-monthly be the ticket to paradise ? Could this unorthodox venture into the world of small tables, tablecloths, china cups and saucers, centerpieces, flowers, serving tea, juice, desserts help to bridge the chasm that separates our children like an insidious virus within the school environment? Is this a ridiculous notion? I hope not. It is a simple way of looking at a growing menace that gets worse with the passage of time. Bullying has to stop. It is not a part of growing up. It interferes with it and in some cases, life itself.

Starting small and progressing to a more formalized format could be a great communications coup for schools. It could become a platform that helps to underscore the prevalence of these acts of terrorism. The menu: teas known for health benefits such as green, white, rooibos could be introduced and facts about each given to guests. (EVERY TEA PARTY CAN BE A LESSON/LEARNING EXPERIENCE,TOO) Freshly squeezed juices made fresh by students when needed. (School would own the juicer, of course)........ Desserts: tarts,  cookies, scones, tea biscuits, squares, perhaps pies or a braided bread or two made by the Special Ed., Primary Division could be available on a rotating 6 week cycle for avoid monotony and create interest. Teachers and students alike would decide who, where, when. In the beginning, a well thought out plan involving the principal, teachers, students/and or parent volunteers would ensure the success of the tea party social. Anything that helps to reduce or eliminate bullying in school would have a positive domino effect on classroom behaviour, scholastic achievement and other noteworthy events...  The success of the tea party could ultimately result in each class having its own. It can be done.

Sometimes, our modern life seems to get in the way of time honoured traditions such as having a cup of tea. Everything we do seems to end up on the back of Styrofoam cups, plates, containers-to-go.  Our fast paced lifestyle needs to slow down when it comes to our children, especially. We need to listen while our children talk... Anything in life is possible. Keeping things simple is the desired goal, thereby, increasing the chances of success. Conversation at each table could be anything the guests deem important that day. A selection of topics-on cards- chosen randomly and selected by organizers from entries left in a suggestion box in the office could help initiate stalled conversation. A moderator at each table, of any age, would keep ‘things moving’.  Invitations would be ‘mailed’ to classrooms chosen for the following week... Meeting in a non-confrontational arena-having tea-can do wonders for self-esteem and empowerment. Music selected from all genres including Lady GaGa to Glenn Miller, Bryan Adams and Beethoven while having tea and talking could be an incredible addition to the arsenal of coping strategies to help children.  What a concept! 

Bullying

Programs in and out of school exist to help victims of bullying and address the crimes that are being committed and their possible solutions. The perpetrators are not always present in these sessions and do not necessarily see themselves as having done anything wrong, if they are.  I was bullied as a young girl when this act of aggression did not have a name. No one ever knew. In one class, this ‘annoyance’ occurred repeatedly without the teacher ever realizing. Perhaps, in another environment the bully is the victim. Understandable that he/she would resolve the conflict by taking his/her anger and frustration out on another vulnerable human being. It makes perfect sense-to him. It should not, however, be tolerated by society.

 A parent cannot be a 24-hour body guard. It is then incumbent upon us to teach our children to view the bully in a different light, in a circumstance, also, beyond his control. This lesson is to empower our children and enlighten them to the realities of another life that exists for others. The dictionary describes a bully as a cowardly person who terrorizes weaker people. It is the nature of the victim- gentle and kind, not necessarily weaker- that generally makes him a target. We must act when bullying is in its infancy before its resurgence years later in a more powerful form results in extreme acts of violence towards individuals and society at large... It all starts with our own children. Bullies are not born. They begin life as cherubic babies like our own children...They are our children!.... As parents, we must make it clear that untoward behaviour will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Following that edict, we must act accordingly by leaving our child behind with a babysitter while the rest of the family goes out to enjoy the day. Leaving the errant child behind is a lesson, plain and simple. There are boundaries in life that you simply do not cross.

Empowering the victim of bullying is the only realistic option open to us. It makes sense to help the victim see the world from the aggressor’s point of view in a totally different light. Developing compassion or empathy  for the bully-as ridiculous as it sounds- helps to understand the bully who is intent on doing harm...This act of revenge probably has nothing to do with you, anyway.... As a parent,  we want our child to develop an empathetic heart not a vengeful one that will ultimately affect his personality, his health and the trajectory of his life.  (Inviting the bully to tea at school and developing ‘music’ therapies can aid in these coping strategies/ solutions for both sides!).

We never know what goes on behind closed doors. It is here that our children begin to realize through the medium of discussion that life does not always present a level playing field. Not all children have a warm and fuzzy home life.  Some are ignored, abused or worse and some have no boundaries placed upon their conduct.  Empathy is the warm feeling we want to cultivate in our children. ”I’m sorry you are having a bad day” helps our children deal with the confrontation more easily, as hard as it is, to feel sorry for the bully by disarming him readily thus rendering his actions powerless, as he focuses on you. Role playing goes a long way to equipping our children with the tools to disengage the bully when he comes calling.

Standing up for the victim of bullying, demonstrates clearly that the victim has value, that someone cares, and that a safety net is out there able to protect him, if necessary. Showering attention on the victim –not the bully- also renders the actions of the bully, moot.  It takes a village to raise a child. But it also takes a village to protect him from those who would do him harm. Next: Inviting the bully to Tea!

Special Education - 6 Senses

As I watched the young students begin their work day, I was struck by the quiet resolve that had suddenly engulfed each child.  It was the month of September, the beginning of a new school year and my first day as the newcomer to the primary intensive language class.  Today would mark a pivotal moment in my life as I observed the dynamic exchange unfolding between student and teacher. For me, it was field study at its best, an unbiased look at learning in its infancy. The year was 1994.
 

“Mary” had invited me into her classroom earlier that year. She was the lead primary language teacher of the school. I was honoured by the invitation. By the end of class that first day, yeast dough was born. Its implications were history in the making. It engaged the 5 senses of the body in addition to movement, which current scientific thinking has labelled, the 6^th sense. In addition to the learning goals it promised, yeast dough was inexpensive, an efficient teaching tool, was classroom friendly and easily transferable to any environment. During the summer and on holidays, the student could become the teacher.  

Mary’s children were catapulted into a world of words - via the 5 senses - using yeast dough. A word list was developed as we learned about dough using each of the senses - taste, smell, hearing, touch, sight- as guideposts. It was the all inclusive high school curriculum and an effective, multi dimensional approach to language acquisition, thought, and the world of art. The technique of questioning, the most important learned skill for teachers, was now becoming an important tool for the students as well. Language brought it all together, the engine that drove the program and life itself, to its fullest.

Scientists spend their whole lives asking questions and trying to find answers to those questions. The student would do the same... The results of this mind expanding experiment began to demonstrate its awesome power. The students were becoming enthralled with the results of their efforts. They were becoming thinkers and masters of the craft.  Making doughnuts, dinner rolls, pizza, crullers, to name a few of the items the class created, helped to empower and instill confidence in each student. The day the class learned to make roses they refused to leave for recess. Could the world renown croissant be next? Of, course it could.

‘Mary’ gave me the freedom to explore any and all ways to mine the limitless intellectual resources of the class.  She was a pioneer, a visionary, allowing to create the curriculum as I saw it. We watched in amazement the incredible transformation taking place. This elaborate exercise of fun and learning, an educational detour you might say, captured the imagination of the students as it ensnared their optimism and self-confidence. One morning I could not attend ... A student replied, “We don’t need her”!....Another remarkable step in the learning process.

One day, as I was getting ready to leave and with recess minutes away, a student engaged in solitary quiet play with his action figures, suddenly admonished me for not using the word -gluten -that morning. The word had been used once or twice - last week!  How did he mange to remember a strange word mentioned weeks ago? I promised to do better next week. I left speechless.

Special Ed 2 - Engagement

Recently, I wrote about my love of special education. My introduction to it began in the early 70’s, as a new teacher. Back then, I had always wondered why some of my students, aged 13-16 years old, were struggling academically.  I was puzzled. What had occurred during their formative years, a period of supposed great discovery and language acquisition? What had not happened and why? Then, I became a parent to boys, all born premature and the answers were made clear.

Modern life – as it is now - requires the absolute best from each and every one of us, especially, in the education of our children... One child left behind is one too many. A highly educated populace is critical to the health and wealth of any nation....Education is the foundation upon which our very survival is based.

For the 10-20% who are struggling academically in every elementary school - for reasons of undetermined origin-it behooves us to get involved and act in concert to help all children reach their potential. The influence of parent volunteers can have long term positive effects for a child stuck in a place of darkness. Long waits for  assessments, albeit necessary, are frustrating, painful and only serve to delay, make more onerous and perhaps near impossible the positive changes that could have resulted sooner had an assessment been made  and acted upon within a month. These miscues in an at-risk child’s life are life altering for him and his family. He cannot wait and neither can his ever changing brain.

We are all slow in something, I believe. For those children experiencing serious intellectual delays, we must focus more on engagement and less on curriculum. The teacher should be allowed to teach as much or as little depending upon the mood of the class that day while keeping an eye on the ball: the academic goals that must be met by year’s end. A need to alter the daily learning plan for the class should trump any academic goals planned that week. Would it make sense to sit down and just discuss the grade’s objectives or a current problem in the class while eating an ice cream cone or popsicle from the room’s freezer?  Yes. It would.  Sometimes, it is more prudent to remove stress from the minds of young children through activities they know than it is to focus on curriculum, at all costs. Group discussions in a relaxed atmosphere can bring about immeasurable change and comfort to the class and open the door to further learning and discovery. For the at-risk child, fun disguised as learning is the desired goal...(a baby cannot learn if it is not having fun.)...A ritual of success can be established in this way leading to more and more successful outcomes at the end of the day for each and every student in the class. The engagement of the whole child in the above scenario will go a long way to improving his learning and sense of self.

Every child in the primary special needs classroom is a potential teacher, assistant, or trouble shooter.  We must not debate who is capable of leadership. We must step aside and let the games begin. The more that is expected of a child in a fast paced learning environment, the more that he will achieve. Children live up to the expectations expected of them....  Next week – the focus on 6 senses of the body and their impact on the at-risk mind........

Special Education

Special Education has always been close to my heart, having taught for several years in a vocational setting at two high schools... But my real internship in the world of special education took place after I gave birth to three premature boys within a four year period...I continued my ‘research’ into the mind of the at-risk child by spending 15 years in 3 elementary schools as a parent volunteer, 5 of those years in a primary intensive language class-(whose teacher was a visionary)- where a ‘unique program’ using yeast dough, was begun. This unique field study, spanning nearly 5 years, helped engender my passion for special ed.  At the core of this program was the art of asking questions and the development of vocabulary. ...The application and implication of yeast dough in the primary intensive language classroom were mind boggling. Curiosity and creativity were fostered within a climate of learning fun.  ... It was experiential learning at its best! The goal? Higher order thinking!

Our first born arrived over three months early and was not expected to live. By day two, he had a 10% chance of survival with a 50% chance of being in special education by week’s end, I was told. Interesting how quickly and early children are labelled who have not had the chance to audition. Our son’s birth weight of 3 pounds 2 ounce dropped to 2 pounds 12 ounces. It was a life changing event.  The year was 1979.

‘M’ participated in an infant stimulation program for two years, and a one year speech program in the year preceding kindergarten. Each and every day during this period, detailed records were made of ‘M’s language misses and near misses and copies of these observations brought to the therapy sessions.  But his real ‘speech therapists’ were his two younger brothers, three and one year olds, whose interaction with their older brother proved to be an invaluable source of  cognitive stimulation and language acquisition. ...   Role playing, listening to music, singing and the use of  walkie-talkie devices were just a few of the invaluable tools that helped in building language for all our boys while they played together. ... Our living room, where headquarters was located, was constantly under siege. By the age of 3 ½, our oldest still had a limited vocabulary. Nursery school two mornings a week was initiated to boost his self-esteem and aid in  language acquisition and understanding.   

Special education is many things. It is brain stimulation at its best. It can occur anywhere a caring adult wishes to engage the child. Special education is  an approach, a way of looking at life that speaks to the child in meaningful, thoughtful ways.  (It is also about music appreciation and music's profound effect on cognition and overall physical and mental health.) ...  Special education, properly administered, aids in building a child's self-esteem and body image, comprehension, letter/number recognition, reading, writing, sequencing and social competence. Special education is all encompassing. It aids in helping the child discover the world around him and the world within him.