"No Christmas Gifts For Children?"

The Christmas holiday is a festive time for family and friends. ... It can be fraught with turmoil, too. A new revised view that seems to be gaining acceptance into this historic holiday tradition is being called, the 'no gifts for children' segment. This disturbing trend begs us to ponder the question, “What is really going on and why?”

The significance of Christmas can never be overstated. It is an enduring, magical time of reflection, connection, a time to reaffirm ties with family, friends, and hopefully, the community at large. Announcing a change in one of its basic tenets to children - to address behaviour gone wild - is an affront to the dignity of this vulnerable and powerless group of citizens. ... As a mom to 3 sons, all born prematurely, within a 4 year period, I had my hands full, with intensive daily therapy for all. Exhaustion ruled the day, back then, a characteristic of a life well-lived. I made the decision, from the start, not to interfere, too much, in the 'workings' of our formidable 'adults-in-training'. Well supervised structured environments provided the venue for field study of their behaviour. ... The word 'no' was rarely used. It was simply too easy to utter its crushing meaning to little children. Wielding its awesome ruinous power, indiscriminately, to them, eventually made 'no' a meaningless word. Authority would be lost - when it would matter the most - at a later stage of development.

Children learn self discipline, self-control, patience, on their own terms, daily, in incremental steps, in a form of 'real life simulator' while under our care. There were certain 'rules of etiquette' for our boys, for all the environments in which they participated.  They knew and understood why. We controlled the environments. They controlled the behaviours within these living spaces. With a husband who worked long hours - like me - and who travelled much of the time, it was my responsibility to bring it all to a close, each and every day. 

Our first country winter - 24 years ago - was a brutal awakening to the power of mother nature and the true nature of children. Our first winter there, I paid $35.00 to have our long country driveway plowed. (Within minutes, the deed was done.) Less than a week later, however, mother-nature's wrath visited us, again, burying our driveway under yet another thick blanket of fluffy snow. The thought of paying out another $35.00 for plowing weighed heavily on my mind. (This routine could go on all winter long. Oh, My.) In an instant, three little helpers, aged 10,9,7 were recruited to do the job of the snow plow. Four miniature - me included- 'snow plows' lined up in a row and began the task, working in tandem, of moving snow across the 'roadway'. Their dad was expected soon after a very long day business week. He would be exhausted. True to their fun-loving spirit of giving and doing, the boys and I finished 'plowing' just as dad drove in - one hour later. “Had the plow been here, again, their dad wondered?” The cost of plowing had been rendered mute. The money was 'spent' but kept within our family's coffers as each child received $12.00 for their co-operative efforts. The money was put into their bank accounts for their future investment use. Their worth had been tangibly appreciated. Their smiles told a real life story.

As parents, we have the power to influence our children in many ways. How we use this power is the difference between tyranny and justice. Christmas is a special time for children. We taint its significance with our ambushing tactics when we decide to tamper with its magical, purposeful properties, inherent in this special holiday tradition. Do we cancel our children's birthdays, on a whim, or accepted dinner invitations with friends because of misbehaviour? (We involve others when we do this.) We do a great disservice to ourselves and our children's self-worth when we unexpectedly change the 'rules' of Christmas by interjecting our own personal spin on a revered holiday that is already, for some, a stressful time. Penalties for misconduct should not be stored up like so many points in a 'rewards' program. Christmas used as a leveraging tool debases the holiday and can tarnish this special familial relationship. An element of trust exists in all parent-child relationships. Could this special connection now be at risk?

Christmas is about many things, not a time of punishment for past misdeeds. It is an all encompassing holiday that spans more than one day and involves other people, too, in the circle of life. It is an anticipated, significant, sensory experience like no other, a time of cementing the bonds of trust with our children through this shared human experience of music, song, food, family traditions and religious customs. Restricting its enjoyment can be a blow to the trust built with our children. Gifts are a small part of the Christmas tradition. But to make them the centre of attention is short-sighted. 

Our boys did not have a 'wish list'. Their thoughts, ideas and preferences were year round considerations. What mattered most to them, daily, were their interactions with each other and our two retrievers, one of which had been abandoned, as a puppy, in a Toronto park. ... One son's favourite weekly task was washing the kitchen floor, something requiring effort and commitment. Each boy had a part to play and each played it well. It was simply their contribution to the functioning of the household. There was a time for being silly and out-of-control. They knew and understood the parameters.

Parents set the stage. Paying attention to our children's needs throughout the year helps us gain greater insights into their likes, dislikes and character, too. It is our mandate. ... It is what we do as parents. Our actions should be predictable. ... We develop a clear vision of the future by paying attention to the present, not the presents! The Christmas season, though a time of great splendor, is also a time to reinforce the act of giving to others, doing for others, and caring for those unable to do so for themselves. Let us not lose sight of that!