Over the years I have heard the phrase,
'Momma's Boy', that mythical statement of doom and gloom that
foreshadows every son's relationship with his mom. Then we have 'Daddy's
Girl', the bona fide gold standard for all girls, lucky enough to have
had a dad or male role model in her life, a protector who watches
over her as she grows and develops. As a mother of three boys, I resent the
pathological implications of the words, 'Momma's Boy'. ... Enough already!
When we have children a strong bond is
forged that lasts forever. How that bond unfolds helps to shape the
men or women our sons or daughters eventually become. We can empower
or enslave our children. The choice is ours to make. The steps
towards a future of women in our lives, begin in childhood. Our
parenting style and the choices we make, for them, help point our children in the right
direction. Their strength of character rests with us.
The 'boys will be boys' attitude was not tolerated, in our home. The human condition was always in play. Short cuts were not permitted. It would have been so easy to look the other way, but I lived there, too. An inhospitable home environment benefited no one, including any future 'daughters'. That was not the road to success and personal happiness. ... As a mom of boys, I made the conscious decision, early on, to raise our sons into caring, thinking, sensitive men. From the beginning, our boys were expected to finish 'school' while being contributing members of the work-force, early on. That was an expectation. Their love of animals was a recurring theme from the beginning. ... Double standards were not welcome, here. ... Our decades-long pet-ownership habit did most of the work, however, of raising our boys-to-men. Stereotyping women in a men-only household was not welcome, anytime. ... There was a standard in place at all times, after all, mom was a girl, too, I reminded them, in case they had forgotten where I had originated!
“The son is a son
until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter all of her life.”
so the tale goes. The limerick rhymes but has no meaning or place in
my world. How does that build harmony? Already we are dividing the
sexes. A relationship between parent and child that manifests love,
trust and respect is truly the only one to model. It is a bond that
grows then keeps on giving. The sex of a child should have no bearing
on whether a healthy relationship exists between parent and child. Keeping adult sons or daughters dependent upon us, is
wrong, in every way and clearly shows that we have fallen short of
our mandate, in our duty, as parents. In our attempts to keep our
children close, do we strip them of their independence and democratic
right to choose? The consequences of such a choice can be foolhardy.
When the last of our three boys arrived, (3 preemies within a 4 year span) my
mom was disappointed that a daughter had not been born. I would not
have a close relationship with our boys, she believed. Her thinking
was terribly skewed. Having only boys or only girls brings with it a special
kind of harmony, to the home, as each child possess a greater understanding of his/her same
sex sibling, in unique and special ways, at every stage of
development. Boy or girl, why does it matter? Birth is a random
event, anyway. Let us not be silly. Let us be ever so grateful!
Over the years, I have met many delightful young ladies, in my male-dominated household. “What is she like?”,
someone would ask. “What's not to like?”, I would respond. She was not a member of a foreign species. She was a much younger version of me. I
would be her temporary 'mom', doting on her, in my house of men. She was
my responsibility, my guest of honor. Her parents would he comforted
knowing their daughter was part of my 'protected' species and I was
her game warden! Our boys knew how to treat these gems. (I wanted
daughters-in-law, someday.) That would not happen if modeling
behaviour from me and dad was not apparent, in our sons' early canvas
of life. Girls or boys possess the ability to rise or fall on their
own merits, I would remind our sons. Boys were not better. They were different. That is all! Growing up, our sons were told how
special they were - to us – but not more important than anyone else,
anywhere else. Everyone was important, too. How they treated others
was what mattered most. When girls entered our home, I was watching
and listening to the tones, words and actions of my male 'characters'.
... A spy could be lurking in their midst. They knew and understood.
To really understand a momma's boy, have lunch with his mom. It will help
elucidate 'his' story, past and present. Do not fear an alliance. A
healthy relationship is the goal. For me, it was not just about being
a mom. It was also about being a woman, too. I would hope she enjoyed
my company as much as I enjoyed hers. There was a link to our past: we
were both female. ... Is momma dramatic, hateful, unfriendly, indifferent or 'in love' with you,
your thoughts, ideas and goals? Is she focused only on 'him'? Is she
interrogating you as if a potential witness or having lunch with a
friend? Her intentions, made clear, will give you a sense of the man
with whom you are holding court.
It was soon after they started
dating that I met and fell 'in love.' Afraid that my son's
future happiness might not unfold as I wished it to, I whispered in her ear, "If he does
not marry you, I will”. So the story goes. We laughed. ... I am blessed, again! I will wait with
baited breathe for a future of untold wealth: one more girl to add to
my treasure trove of two, already here. There is no greater gift a
real momma's boy can give momma than another girl to love. It is the gift that keeps on giving!
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