The 'Burden' of Curfews

Curfews were a mainstay of my upbringing, understood but never mentioned. I just knew. There were implied rules that seemed to hold to this test of time. Decades later, as the mother of three sons, time management seemed to be a good measure of our effectiveness as parents. If our sons could not manage their time and the activities within this 24-hour window, while living with us, then somehow we had failed them. Society would eventually become their cruel masters.

I remember it well, the day when the rule of curfews was abolished for our children. It was graduation day for our oldest. All three would hear the new 'family directive' prior to the ceremonies. Later that evening they watched mom give the parent address to the audience of grade 8 graduates, teachers, parents and guests. “New Beginnings” was the title of the four minute speech which was well received, I could see. (Praise by others soon followed). 

 

Within the next three years, our sons would be in the big leagues: high school. It would become a tumultuous period and the only time to test what they had learned during the 'elementary' period of the previous 9 years of life with mom as the director of operations! Curfews are arbitrary rules or laws that can help or hinder development. During infancy and the 'play period' of a child's life, curfews help establish the rules and purpose of conduct. Soon, however, parents must begin the process of letting go. 

 

My life became simpler when 'curfews' became the responsibility of our sons. It was the next step in the acquisition of independence and freedom. (For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.) It was understood that our sons had control, most of the time, over their lives, within their various environments: home, school, and the workplace. There were many people to consider and animals to care for in this new world order. These were called obligations and responsibilities, things real adults managed daily. It was a busy time but a fun time, too.  I wanted little to do with the 'details' of our sons' lives. I had enough to do.There were boundaries, stated and implied with household duties, as well. ... 

 

Abolishing curfews generated new found respect for one another. Trust was the main component of this new arrangement, that solid foundation upon which all relationships are built. It would be a test for real life. ...

Reaching that magical 'adult' age of 13 years, marks the beginning of a grand dress rehearsal that brings our children closer to real life, the testing ground of independent readiness. It was incumbent upon us to mix the 'marketplace' and the mettle of our sons, in tandem, as soon as possible. Grade 9 seemed a good place to start and end the established law of curfews. 

 

Coping and resilience were qualities we hoped our children would possess by high school. Making sound decisions, exercising good judgement while away in university, college or travelling could be problematic if our sons had not 'practiced' this critical skill-set, early in life. Under the guise of no-curfews, our sons began to exercise this new found freedom. Informing us of their plans was the only condition placed upon them. (No curfews also helped to characterize us as 'user-friendly' people). ... 

 

Our sons' first trip as licensed drivers required a phone call upon arrival; another, upon departure. It was a critical first step for them/us. It was a basic requirement for the awesome privilege of driving a car owned by another person. Week-day evenings were not sacrosanct. School, homework, band practice and eventually part-time jobs were there to consider, too. 

 

Time management was the name of this adult game. Adding curfews to their already busy schedules would demean our sons and diminish their effectiveness as the adults they were. (I did not need or want another role). If a crisis arose, they needed to be able to solve it expeditiously, without curfews added to the mix. 

 

Respecting the rights and privacy of family members was also a driving force behind 'no curfews'. Arriving home, anytime, was not the purpose of this new standard. That would have showed a complete lack of consideration, respect and trust for family members, including two large dogs who needed their sleep, too. Our pets had rights, too, with sleep being at the top of their list. Everything was simplified and amplified. And it worked because it was expected to.

When the 5 years of high school ended, our boys were ready for real-life beyond the safe, predictable place called home. By this time, they understood and could appreciate the wonders and complexities of the future that they had envisioned. They had multi year experience in planning and organizing their lives and making decisions based upon what was important to them. (Money management was at the top of their list). ... Imposing curfews would have been a burdensome rule for them. It was simply nonsense. I was not their jailer.

 

Though  studying and homework were important and all-consuming, at times, I imagined other things mattered, too, like helping a friend or simply being with him/her during the weekday. In the final analysis as long as each son was ready to meet the school bus by 7:00 a.m., each week-day morning, our liberal experiment had succeeded.