Breaking Up

Breaking up is one of life's greatest lessons. The end of a relationship is a personal assault on our dignity and self worth. Many times it can be overwhelming. At the time, it presents itself as the worst of times. It seems to cripples us, emotionally. We must not be numbed by its intrusion but reflect on the reasons why and accept its impact. It's a period of self reflection, a period of doubt. But really, it is a gift to us, to our future, though, at  the time, we do not see or believe it. This loss of connection, and identity, perhaps, when it happens, is to humble us, to show us that something was wrong and we were not aware of it. Breaking up brings us back to the beginning but in a wiser mind and body format. The clouds roll in, temporarily. Then the sun begins to shine brightly, once again. We have simply been detoxed!

I was dumped, unceremoniously, decades ago, on the black phone of the day, with a  ''maybe we should see other people" kind of end to a multi-year relationship quote.. It was a shock. But then after two days of mind numbing sadness, some bouts of crying,(which are non-productive, long term), I realized I had wasted enough time feeling sorry for myself. It was time to begin anew. Quitting work, school and simply staying in my bedroom, forever, as I licked my wounds, seemed somewhat stupid and silly. The issue of trust had been dealt a blow, of course. Could I trust another guy? Of course I could. The world is full of good, great people,(both men and women), some of whom have also been dealt blows, worse than mine. It was time to move on with the gift of life. It was a breathe of fresh air. (There are too many good guys in the world for us girls to become focused on the one who dumped us.) There were lessons to be learnt in being the 'dumptee'. ..


My weight had been a concern to him. At one point, I was a skinny 110 pounds, one day, eating lettuce and cottage cheese. Water was out of the question. It would make the scales creep upwards. It was my contribution to what he thought I should be! The relationship seemed to always hold me back, keep me in my place, a place where he wanted me to be. Within two weeks of this dramatic loss of companionship, I met my Mr. Right, though I was not looking. I was too busy working, going to class and healing myself as needed. Being with other people and family helped tremendously in this regard.


I was working the Thursday evening shift, in the 'cocktail lounge' of this landmark Toronto restaurant when 'he' walked in with friends, to unwind after a long tiring week of travelling. Forty one years later, we are still together and laughing at our 'older' selves. ... Insurance was his game and still is today. (I was the one, he remarked). What had separated him from the previous 'person' was simple. I could trust him. He was kind and nice. Everything else was, simply, not that important to him. What a revolutionary thought! ...When I look back I remember one last meeting with my former partner. He had hoped for reconciliation. It could never be again. A bond of trust had been shattered. A period of cleansing was in order. ...(A relationship, fraught with misgivings, mistrust and impossible standards, is not o.k.- ever- I realized afterwards.) ... At that time, in my young naïve mind, I was lucky to find anyone. He knew it and so did I. When the 'severance' package came, it was the best gift ever. Then in walked my Mr. Right, the future for us both.


Returning to someone who-a) caused one of the worst days of my life and b) was not available for me, on one of the worst days of my life, was not possible. This was simply a dating mishap, a point of no return. (There must always be a standard, a boundary, beyond which we simply must not go, ever!). ... That period in my history was also a pivotal moment for me. I was free to be me.. It is now forty one years later. ... The qualities that brought my husband and me together back then are qualities that still reside in our hearts and minds today. It's a bond that is not easily broken.