It Happened at the Mall. ...

We'd been at the mall when it started. The shop, one of many on our shopping tour that day, was a new store selling an interesting array of gadgets, all seeming to beckon for our son's attention and ultimate purchase. Our little guy had been smitten by one such gadget. ... The relentless 'yelling game' had begun. ... 

We were at home when our youngest disclosed his feelings for something he had seen at the store at the mall and his wish to buy it. 'It' had begun talking to him there but was now 'yelling' at him- at home. It was serious. I now understood. This matter would not go away. (I could have bought it or said 'no' outright.- neither, a solution for our child in this financial learning scenario.) ...

Our 9 year old was a reasonable person, (still is) always ready to wash the kitchen floor, care for the dogs, eat his vegetables and so on. He was always on top of his game, at home and at school. He was so worth it, but so was his future. ... We had spoken about things 'talking to you' when we were out shopping, but that it was no reason to buy. There were many nice things out there now and more arriving later, but it was still no reason to buy. 

I sat and listened as our son spoke of the impact 'it' had made on him. I asked about 'its' importance. It was. Very. We continued talking. No problem, I remarked. "Save half the purchase price and I'll give you the other half", I said. ... (Arguing was never a concern in this regard because the answer was always , "Sure, save half".) The conversation ended on a high note and gave the power back to our son for the final say in the matter. His portion of the cost always seemed greater than ours, anyway! ... With 'old' money in the bank, where it would remain, 'new' money had to be found for his current purchase. Our son began to work around the house to earn his share of the cost, a tedious exercise that never seemed to end. ...

The words and thoughts of children matter very much. Our words matter, too, generally being the final say in any discussion with our children. Using the word 'No”' takes up little space, on a page, but has a residual, powerful effect on a child, when spoken, indiscriminately and often. Eventually, the child stops talking and asking. Since they have no power or influence, they can be ignored, on a whim. Children need and deserve answers. ... (There are no stupid questions, anyway) Saying no is easy for us but its meaning has incredible life altering power when spoken to a child.. The word can seem like a knife, piercing through the heart of a young child when uttered, even once. It can build resentment that lasts. 'No' can literally shut down a conversation and the child. ... (A child is no match for an adult, anyway!) 

Children deal in the present. The future is an abstract concept to them, blurred by time. (It is hard for us, sometimes, almost always impossible for them to understand the passage of time!) ... Not listening to a child's request sends a wrong message to him: that he and his wishes don't matter. Could this be the beginning of  "I can't talk to mom or dad because they don't listen or understand me" debate?...Children are very reasonable people and in the final analysis, will always make the right decision when given all the facts: Everything costs something and is the thing you want so much worth your financial sacrifice? 

As time passed, our son saved his hard earned income for that special purchase. But by the time his share of the cost had accrued, the lustre and urgency of the purchase had been lost. ... We all shared in the win! ... Time had left its mark, dampening the desire our son felt for a material possession he thought was very important, at the time. The 'yelling' had stopped. I was not surprised. He'd worked too hard and too long to just throw his money away on something that was no longer that important to him. Mark now realized the shopping world was full of 'yelling' experiences but only a few would win the 'screaming match'. The instant gratification portion of this future purchase had been modified and eliminated. 

Our son had learned a very valuable lesson in the shopping game. He was satisfied with his decision not to buy.  A buying mistake had been averted. He could not remember what the fuss was all about, anyway. He was moving onto to other more important matters, requiring his attention. He would be more selective at this 'yelling game'. Maybe, one day, he would become a musician, director or a scientist. Those careers needed more money than he had right now in the bank and buying unimportant stuff would only hinder in the attainment of those financial goals.

We must not dampen our children's enthusiasm for changing their lives, in small incremental ways. The  endless marketing machine is relentless, persistent in its lure to help 'them' out any way it can, to be sure. Its 'indomitable spirit' never gives up.. Neither should ours!