The Maternal Bonding Phenomenon

He had been born minutes earlier and was now being stabilized for his helicopter ride to the world-renowned Toronto's Sick Children's Hospital. Seeing him for the first time, with the medical team by his side, in his special incubator, catapulted me into a world of emotional turmoil. He had to go. ... He'd arrived 13 weeks too soon. His premature birth, a level 3 medical emergency, could not be handled by this hospital where mom would be for the next 5 days. He was our first. I loved him and had to say goodbye. ... The year was 1979. ... Not much was known about premature babies and the bonding experience back then. My first lesson in this overwhelming emotional attachment theory would come soon.


I was brought to my hospital room, soon after our son's birth. Later that day, I would meet my roommate, a first time mother, who, like me, had given birth to a son, that day. Her baby had been born in perfect health. He would be seen and held several times a day by her. My son would not. Every feeding for her baby re-awakened my own intense maternal feelings. My son was elsewhere. My room-mate's baby was now, his stand-in. ... The only baby I had access to was in the next bed with his real mom. .. I would sit there watching mother and son getting to know one another. Along the way, I began to have feelings for him, too. How strange! How bizarre! In those days, giving birth meant a 5 day stay; 7 days, for a C-section. My room mate would let me hold her newborn. She sensed I needed that. She was so kind, so thoughtful. ...Every so often we would laugh and carry on, leaving a sign on our beds saying, 'Leave pizza here' whenever it was meal time. I thought of her baby, often, even after they left to go home. ...


While in hospital, though, I had much work to do. My milk was 'coming in' I realized in short order. With no one able to explain to me or help me understand fully the metamorphosis unfolding inside my body, I persevered as though someone's life had depended upon it....(Indeed someone's life did-our son) I collected this liquid gold my body was producing. ... This storehouse of super nutrition and incredible bacteria fighting 'sugars' would be his only food source. ...I called Sick Kids Hospital- three times daily- to check on our son and his daily food supply. He was very sick and possibly dying. We needed each other!


In the absence of the internet in 1979, research and knowledge on mother's milk, premature births and bonding were not readily available, unless a trip to the library was possible. I simply bought books by mail. ...  My daily collecting routine in hospital and then, at home: messy, arduous and oh so important helped me focus on our son.  It did not, however, change my misplaced feelings towards Janet's baby. I could not see or hold my own so the next best thing helped me deal with my current emotional dilemma. (These 'strange' maternal feelings also assisted with the collection of mother's milk, an event known as 'let down' that helped the milk flow, more easily) ... After discharge, I began collecting more intensely: mornings, afternoons, evenings and in the middle of the nights, week after week. It was my 'mission statement', at the time. Thoughts of the other baby simmered on the back burner. A visit, a few weeks later to see 'Janet' and her baby helped to dispel any notion that I wanted or needed her baby. Janet's son, the baby I remember watching and holding in hospital, weeks ago, no longer existed. In his place was this older, bigger version of the original. He looked different, too and was not remotely connected to the tiny person, I remember meeting weeks ago.. This  'emotional' spell, cast upon me by her baby, was now gone, a vestige of my former immature self. My own baby now occupied centre stage where he belonged. Soon, he would be home 'to have and to hold' from this day forward, where he belonged..


It was nearly three weeks before I was allowed to hold our son. From a birth weight of 3 pounds 2 ounce dropping to 2 pounds 12ounces, he began to gain about an ounce a day. His dismal prognosis at birth was changed to 10% chance of survival, 2 days later. ... His diet had help make this quantifiable difference. ... He came come home one month ahead of his original due date. The bonding experience had finally come full circle. I was now exactly where I needed to be: wired exclusively to our son! The intense feelings I had for our son began to take precedent over all other thoughts and feelings. Our son, a 5 pound 2 ounce bundle of joy was home. He was ours, officially. Though I speak of my initial bonding experience for one, then two babies, my husband's devotion to our son was obvious, each and every day, as he delivered milk to Sick Kids during his hectic business day/weekends. His contributions were unending!


The attachment theory is not a phenomenon for women only. To exclude men from this profound emotional experience because it is we who give birth is arrogance on our part. This bonding phenomenon has its origins in pure, unconditional love. And no one has a monopoly on that!